I have taken to listening to farming news at 5.00 am. You find out about things like plagues and lettuce. There are too many wasps in the world ! I fell back to sleep and woke up feeling awful, as if I had been stung by a thousand wasps, and as if I would never make it through a day of stairs and intentions. But as the day progressed I realised that everyone had a terrible night last night. It was a horrible, muggy, nightmarish night, and I am not the only person who feels ill in the mornings sometimes. I am much, much better now…quite sparky in fact. This could be thanks to acupuncture, which can make me feel much more fluid and happy. It can make me more creative too.
I was talking to my acupuncturist about how some doctors can make you feel hopeful and others make you feel hopeless, even if they are giving you much the same information. Often I can carry around a random phrase that a doctor has said to me, repeating it to myself and exploring it. This can be quite negative, and of course if the mind effects the body, it can do so in a negative way too. I am very fond of my doctors, but recently someone said I was tired because I was ‘carrying alot of tumour’. This phrase haunts me. I see myself bent double under the weight of some terrible malevolent sack.
I want my doctors to congratulate me, to tell me the best things that can happen, not just the worst! Actually, I am doing very well! But then I was thinking about how much authority we give doctors, who are tired and trying their best to do the right thing, yet we, the patients, are so wired up to everything they say we get oversensitive. We also remember the things teachers and headmistresses, or anyone in authority said to us, but maybe we should take responsibility for ourselves a bit more, and not believe what ‘experts’ tell us.
Thanks everyone who responded to the Guardian piece. I got sent lots of great poems, many of which were written by people who had been bereaved, or suffered some illness. Poetry really can sustain and save us!
I can’t believe the rain outside. It’s almost biblical! I am gathering a whole list of novels to take to the Isle of Wight and Mauritius….Diary of An Ordinary Woman by Margaret Forster. The Secret Life of Bees, by Sue Monk Kidd. More of the Cave Clan series by Jean Aoul. I am so enjoying reading at the moment…it is by far the most relaxing, imaginative, illuminating part of my life.