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04/08/2004

Just had another appointment with Dr Verril. A busy waiting room, filled with people with odd names, like Stepenganger and other ones I can’t remember. I told the doctor about the sensation of numbness in my jaw and he thinks it’s worth zapping the back of my neck with radiotherapy incase it gets worse. I am so anti treatment these days. I don’t like being reminded of illness. I am delighted that I don’t have to have chemotherapy yet. Anyway, we had a nice chat, but when I left I had a surge of anger towards the illness. I really hate the way it needles away at my immune system, even though I know I am strong, and my body resists everything the illness throws at it. Bloody breast cancer, bloody appointments and injections and night sweats and all of it…..why can’t I just be a menopausal woman, though I suppose that has its drawbacks.

Still, I am really looking forward to Mauritius, and I also think I’ll plan a trip to Budapest in Autumn. The manifesto is fun, and the new poems keep on surfacing. And I have a new green carpet in my writing room, and we are having an armchair covered with artificial fur. Life is sweet, even if it does go downhill.

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