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Monday 16th February 2004

16/02/2004

When I started this web log, it was partly about letting people know about my health, because so often when someone has been ill you want to ask how they are, but don’t know how, or you might think they are far worse than they really are, or far better. It seemed a good way of telling the truth, and keeping rumour and fearfulness at bay. So I must BE truthful, and write the bad stuff as well as the good, even though a large part of me doesn’t want to admit to illness ever. However, when you have a recurrent cancer like mine, the illness is always there somehow. Sometimes I feel like an unexploded bomb!

My last blood tests were a bit iffy. The ensymes in my liver were abnormal, and my calcium levels were high. However, this isn’t necessarily bad, even though from where I am standing it’s hard not to think the worst. I’ve started to get a new pain in my side, like a bad stitch. If I had never had cancer I would think I had bruised a rib, or pulled a muscle, but because I have, my partner and I spent the morning at the general hospital, leaving with a large bag of pain killers, and the thought of a scan tomorrow, and quite a few comforting words. It may well not be my liver. My body might be tiring of the hormone treatment its been on for two years, and needs a new shot of something different. It might be appendicitis. It might be bone pain, which is alot better than the cancer spreading to my liver.

However, whatever it is, the worst thing is not knowing, and imagining what will happen. I was just reading Emma Candy’s weblong in the Guardian this morning. She says how waiting for test results is worse than waiting for any exam result, and I know just what she means.

I shall keep anyone who reads this posted, and carry on regardless. This evening I am part of a panel at the Lit and Phil in Newcastle, stitch or no stitch, talking about publishing. Starts 5.30/ 6.00 pm.

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