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Sunday in the Hospice

21/03/2005

Hello Everyone,

I am in a perfectly pleasant small pink room with curtains with flowers on, pictures of tulips on the walls, a clock, a noticeboard, a hospital type bed and various hoists.

Through the windows there’s a designer garden with several water features and sometimes little children run around over the little bridges. Whooping and jumping. It’s really very pleasant. It’s Marie Curie hospice. They tried to change the name to Marie Curie Centre but had to change it back because no one gave them any money.

Really they do anything they can for you. I’ve eaten most of the ice cream supply, had 2 jacquizi baths and set off all the alarms when wandering about at night looking for the Chapel of rest. There are plenty of cream cakes and jelly; the diet is homely rather than holistic. The truth is I feel pretty terrible and I look like a modern art painting with stick legs and a bowl belly. This is because my liver is distended and we are trying to work out how to drain off this fluid.

Both Manchester and Paris were lovely except I was sick in the Louvre. I am sick of being sick.

Everything seems to be falling apart a bit. I’d love to tell people to visit but I have the concentration of a goldfish. I am dictating this to Bev and the difficult thing is that really we don’t know what’s going to happen. I just want to be a pubescent girl riding on Tennison Downs in the Isle of Wight but then we don’t know what will happen. You should have seen the Eiffel Tower at night it looked really pretty with its twinkling lights.

So don’t try and visit as my vanity can’t stand my appearance but do send healing vibes as they always seem to work.

I am surrounded by kind people who rub feet and plump up my pillows. I am terribly pleased that Gillian Allnut won the Northern Rock Writers Foundation Award and I thoroughly enjoyed the ceremony on Wednesday, with all looking so alive and poetry in the air.

I just want to feel like a normal person again but maybe it will never be! There are not many solutions left really as I don’t want more chemo. x x.

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